12 posts tagged “funny”
This bit if amusement is brought to you by my pal Dave, an ER trauma nurse I use to work night shift with at a small hospital here in Portland:
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator McCain said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Republican leaders told Fox reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator.
Chuckle....
BTW, has anyone besides me wondered why Fox News is not connecting the terrorist dots of Osama bin Laudin vs Obama-Biden..... ( change the b to a s, add and n and a Lau between the i and the d and.... OMG you almost have a terrorist)! Their so called "reporters" must be napping. Surely this is better proof of a need to fear Obama than the terrorist fist gab they over-dramatized was....
I worked an extra, and very last minute night shift last night ( without sleep), so I am feeling like death warmed over right now. Karina is at work and Keegan is at his other grandmother's house till tonight, so I am going to take a nap and hope to get up in time to hit the post office later today. If I miss it I am going the first thing tomorrow. I believe only 2 people on Vox are waiting for packages from me, they will be in route by morning, and then I am square with everyone and can start some new projects. Yay!
My 26 Yo daughter just came running into my room to tell me Russia is bombing Georgia, and we are under attack.
ROFLMAO
She needs to get out more.... I had to explain it was a country.... and even then she didn't believe me
Then she said they are talking of bombing the US capital... so I told her "well, that's one way to clean house"....
When she isn't making me insane I think she is here for my amusement
I got some really great bargains by buying used, what I bought is listed below,(if you are interested in any of them, you can click the name of the book to get to it on amazon):
Hardanger Embroidery
Doodle Stitching: Fresh & Fun Embroidery for Beginners
Time to Quilt: Fun Quilts and Retreat Ideas for 1 or 101 (That Patchwork Place)
The Art of Bead Embroidery: Techniques, Designs & Inspirations
Wearable Art: Innovations (A Studio/Penguin book)
All this for $53.03, I think I did good. Of course it barely dents my wish list, but it did take it down by a page. Yay!
Vi and I took a ride yesterday, in route home we were driving down Powell and passed an "exotic dancer" place, the sign out front said "free prime rib dinner" and that caught Vi's eye. Vi was questioning how they could give away prime rib dinners, so I suggested maybe the cover charge included the cost of it. She started laughing, uncontrollably... and without blinking she said, "oh Andee, that is just silly why would anyone going into a place like that want anything covered?" We laughed all the way to her house... she amuses me no end. The things she comes up with just slay me....
I pulled a great one on Keegan on my birthday... he was bugging me to go shopping, I was too tired and he would not let up so I held a small flashlight to his ear and he asked me what I was doing.... I said "Look at that! The light goes right through your head and out the other side, obviously your head is empty and that is why you will not listen to me". He called me a liar, grabbed the flashlight and held it to his own ear, but tilted his head to see if the light indeed came out the other side and showed up on his little cookstove his uncle Pat bought him to play chef on... when he saw no light he proclaimed me a naughty grandmother. Straight faced I told him his head was not tilted enough for him to see the light coming through but I had seen it.... ( I figure any time I can get him to act dumb twice in a row is more fun for me so I stuck to my story). Of course he tried it again but this time a car was going by outside at just the right time, and the headlights reflected on his stove as he was doing it... his eyes got REALLY big and he ran to his mom crying because his brain was missing...... I am a MEAN GRANDMA. Karina lectured me accordingly... I gotta say it was my best gift of the day though.
http://www.stewielive.com/
I suggest the terms dance, poop, fart, strip, sex, eat, sing, smoke, sleep, skip. lick, jump
if you find better ones post them here
Grab some coffee and a tissue... place plastic over your keyboard
then click the following link
http://celobox.googlepages.com/god.html
Believe it or not I found this on the quiltart list,
I may owe Alan a smooch for this one
Cross posted from my livejournal
I do not have an IPOD nor an MP# player, but my oldest daughter has both gadgets...she also has two cats, this one's for her, I bet I hear the "ewwww" all the way in Oregon . I would hope this is faked somehow, poor kitty!
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido
"What about trying viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance, she said. He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem", replied the doctor . Give him an "Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his ey, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible, asked the doctor, do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
